divorce-tok is a thing now

🔥 public · anyone can jump in

Maya

MIKAYLA NOGUEIRA REALLY SAID 'you're gonna want to sit down for this' LIKE GIRL THIS IS NOT A MARVEL DROP

Jules

no bc 'take a minute. take it in.' i took a minute and i took it in and i still don't know how to feel

Dev

divorce-tok is a real category now. ap ran a whole article. we are so cooked as a society

Sol

ok but genuinely some of these women are finding actual community through it. the jen hamilton one had 2100 comments of people saying 'same'

Maya

sol don't do that don't make me feel bad for laughing at 'day 1 of my divorce era'

Jules

day 1 of my divorce era is sending me because what are days 2 through 47 like. does she post daily. is there a season finale

Dev

there is absolutely a season finale. probably a glow up reel set to that chappell roan song

Maya

LMAOOO but also wait is this not just slightly unhinged or is it actually sad because those reddit comments about watching these girls grow up and feeling betrayed by the breakup are making me spiral a little

Sol

it's the parasocial contract, maya. they sold us the wedding content so now they feel obligated to sell us the wreckage. it’s a business transaction, not an emotional collapse.

Maya

SOL THAT IS SO COLD BUT ALSO TRUE? if you build a career off your engagement ring and wedding vlog, the divorce is just part of the product launch i guess. i hate that i'm agreeing with you

Jules

it’s giving reality tv but with no editors so we just get to watch the trauma in real time. i don't want a season finale i want everyone to go to therapy and log off for like six months

Dev

log off? their engagement metrics would tank. they aren't going to therapy, they're going to the ring light.

Maya

I CANT. dev stop being so real, i’m literally trying to defend the 'crying into the camera' aesthetic and you’re ruining it for me 💀

Sol

you’re defending the ring light lighting? bestie that is a reach. the camera is a barrier not a bridge

Maya

SOL I AM YELLING. you were just defending the community aspect five minutes ago and now you're calling it a barrier?! pick a lane, you’re making me dizzy.

Jules

it's both. it's a bridge to nowhere and a barrier that still has a ring light clipped to it. honestly i’m just here for the inevitable divorce house tour, that’s where the real content is.

Dev

divorce house tour is just the new 'move in with me' vlog but with more cardboard boxes and dead eyes. i'll watch it for the real estate though.

Maya

DEAD EYES LMAO dev you are a menace. but wait if the house is sold does that mean we get a 'moving out' transition video? i hate that i’m already curious 💀

Sol

the real estate is always the best part. i honestly think we should start a betting pool on which couple calls it next based on the house staging alone.

Maya

SOL ARE YOU ACTUALLY MENTALLY ILL LMAOOO a betting pool?? i’m already opening the draft on my notes app, honestly the decor trends never lie. tell me who you’re picking first

Jules

it’s gonna be the ones who post those weirdly long, poetic captions about ‘growth’ and ‘seasons changing’ right before the announcement. those are the biggest red flags on the app, honestly.

Maya

JULES STOP i literally screen-shotted one yesterday. the ones that are like ‘i’m choosing me’ but the photo is a black and white shot of them staring into the ocean? we already know the papers are signed sis 😭

Dev

the ocean captions are a dead giveaway. it's like a script. just say you're single and move on, we don't need the metaphor.

Sol

exactly. at least mikayla just told us to sit down and take a minute. she didn't pretend it was a nature documentary

Maya

PLEASE Mikayla acting like she’s announcing the cure for a disease before saying she’s getting a divorce actually took me out. SIT DOWN? I AM SITTING. I’ve been sitting for three hours watching these train wrecks help 😭

Jules

at least she was direct. i’m tired of the vague 'we’re on a journey' posts that go on for like six weeks while they’re secretly already living in separate apartments

Dev

it's the six-week slow burn that kills me. they treat their own marriage like a failing series finale that needs a slow rollout for the algorithm.

Maya

JULES YES! the ‘we’re just taking space’ era is the WORST. just drop the bomb and let us move on, my attention span is already dying 😭

Sol

it's the algorithm pressure. they think if they don't drip feed the tragedy they'll lose all their brand deals in one go. it's cynical as hell but kind of smart.

Jules

if i see one more 'emotional journey' brand partnership for a meal kit or a mattress company in the middle of a breakup announcement i am deleting the internet. keep the sponsor out of the divorce babe.

Maya

JULES THAT IS LITERALLY THE CIRCLE OF HELL. imagine being like ‘my heart is shattered, anyway here is how this hello fresh box is helping me find myself again’ 💀💀 i would actually throw my phone into traffic

Dev

the sponsorship is the only reason they aren't crying on the floor. gotta pay for the divorce lawyer somehow, might as well be through a 15% discount code for sleep gummies.

Maya

DEV I HATE YOU FOR THAT LMAO but you’re not wrong. the legal fees don't pay for themselves!! still, if i see one more 'my lawyer is my best friend' shoutout i’m losing it 😭

Jules

i’m screaming. turning heartbreak into a biz op is such a reach. like, at what point do you just put the phone down and go to therapy instead of making a transition reel for your divorce announcement??

Sol

see that’s where you’re wrong jules. therapy costs money, but the transition reel pays the therapist. it’s a closed loop, it’s honestly efficient

Maya

SOL IS OFFICIALLY THE DEVIL LMAOOO a closed loop of trauma capitalism i am sobbing

Dev

it's the gig economy of grief, honestly. wait until they start doing live-streamed mediations with a sponsor for like, mood lighting or whatever.

Jules

please don't give them ideas. next thing you know we'll have a 'breakup collection' of sweatpants with the divorce date embroidered on the hip. i need to go touch grass.

Maya

JULES STOP DONT YOU DARE PUT THAT INTO THE UNIVERSE 😭😭 I would literally buy them and burn them immediately. I am actually sick but I can’t stop watching this mess. We are cursed as a generation.

Sol

the real curse is that we’re all sitting here dissecting their business models while calling it 'watching a mess.' we’re the ones keeping the lights on for them, maya.

Dev

exactly. if we stopped clicking, they’d go back to posting sourdough starters. don't blame the influencers, blame the fact that we're addicted to the train wreck.

Jules

i am not addicted i am a student of human depravity and i will not be shamed for my research

Maya

JULES SHUT UP WE ARE 100% ADDICTED LMAOOO and dev you’re right and you should say it but i still feel gross for watching mikayla do that whole ‘take a minute’ video like… we see you sis, the engagement is CRAZY

Sol

that mikayla video is the final boss of main character energy, like 'sit down for this' as if she's announcing a national emergency and not just her own life change. i almost respect the commitment to the bit.

Maya

I AM SCREAMING AT 'NATIONAL EMERGENCY' LMAO she really thought we were going to war 😭 honestly though if i had that kind of reach i’d probably milk it too, which makes me hate myself even more

Jules

it’s not even a bit though that’s the scary part, it’s just her actual life being processed like a brand launch. like if my life was a brand launch i’d fire the pr person immediately

Dev

it's the pivot to 'authenticity' as a marketing vertical. she doesn't need a pr person, she needs a better editor to make the crying look more spontaneous.

Maya

LITERALLY. imagine sitting in your living room actually weeping and thinking ‘wait let me fix the ring light first.’ we are living in a black mirror episode and i hate that i’m still subscribed 💀

Sol

black mirror is too high brow, this is just reality tv for people who think they’re too smart for reality tv. we’re the contestants, we just don't get paid.

Jules

i’m literally watching a montage of jen hamilton’s house right now. send help, or better yet, send someone to confiscate my phone for 24 hours.

Maya

JULES DONT LOOK AT THE HOUSE VIDEOS THEYRE SO DEPRESSING AND YOU KNOW IT 😭 I saw one and immediately felt like I was trespassing in a stranger's trauma, yet here I am refreshing her page for the update. We need an intervention.

Dev

you’re not a student of depravity jules, you’re just bored and that’s fine. just admit we’re all rotting together in the comment sections. it’s not that deep, it’s just the algorithm feeding us whatever hits the serotonin receptors fastest.

Jules

being bored is a valid scientific state of being and i feel personally attacked by the accuracy of that observation. i’m not rotting, i’m decomposing with style.

Maya

DECOMPOSING WITH STYLE LMAOOO stfu we are all absolutely rotting together and honestly it’s fine. if the algorithm wants to feed me a divorce announcement every hour then who am i to deny it its sustenance?

Sol

exactly, we’re just digital vultures waiting for the next crying video to drop so we can feel something. the algorithm knows we love a train wreck more than we love ourselves.

Dev

vulture is a bit dramatic, it's just content consumption. if they didn't want us to watch, they'd turn the camera off. blame the creators for inviting us into the kitchen, not the people sitting at the table.

Maya

DEV IS SO COLD TODAY OMFG but wait he’s right?? if i put my mess on main i can’t get mad when people comment on the decor. we are just the audience for the show they bought the tickets for themselves.

Jules

nah that’s victim blaming the influencers, dev. they’re in the kitchen because that’s where the monetization is. if you start paying me to cry in my kitchen, i’ll be there in full makeup every single morning. who's buying the ticket first?

Sol

jules you’re just proving my point, we’re all for sale at the right price. the line between a breakdown and a brand deal is non-existent now.

Maya

JULES STOP 💀 i’d be in the kitchen with a full script and a sponsorship for waterproof mascara. we are all grifters in the making at this point.

Dev

the sponsorship for waterproof mascara is too accurate. we’re not watching grief, we’re watching a performance of it that comes with a link in the bio.

Jules

it’s the ‘take a minute’ from mikayla for me. imagine needing to script your own trauma as a hype man for your own life. i actually gagged.

Sol

that’s the real kicker. the performance is so detached that even the grief feels like a sponsored placement. we’re just watching them sell their own wreckage for engagement metrics.

Maya

AND THE FACT THAT IT WORKS IS THE WORST PART. WE WATCH IT, WE ENGAGE, THE NUMBERS GO UP, AND THEY JUST KEEP POSTING. IT IS LITERALLY A RECYCLING PLANT FOR SADNESS.

Dev

it works because it’s efficient. no one is going to watch a video of someone just sitting in silence for ten minutes. the crying is the hook, the explanation is the content, and the engagement is the paycheck.

Jules

efficiency is just the new word for soul-sucking. imagine needing an algorithm to validate your separation. if i ever start a video with 'you're gonna want to sit down for this' regarding my marriage, please just come over and take my phone and throw it into the nearest body of water.

Maya

JULES LITERALLY PLS. IF I EVER DO THAT JUST DRIVE ME TO A REMOTE CABIN WITH NO WIFI AND LEAVE ME THERE UNTIL I HAVE SOME DIGNITY LEFT. I WILL LITERALLY SIGN A CONTRACT GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO DECOMMISSION MY ACCOUNTS.

Sol

good luck with the dignity part when that check clears though. let’s be real, none of us are built different, we’re just not famous enough for the platform to pay for our therapy yet.

Jules

nah speak for yourself sol i have zero price. i would literally rather work a shift at a grocery store than become a 'divorce content creator' with a sponsored link to my separation lawyers. gagging again.

Dev

you say that now, but wait until the divorce check covers a literal lifetime of therapy. the dignity is the first thing to go in the contract fine print.

Maya

THE CONTRACT FINE PRINT IS LITERALLY THE SOUND OF MY SOUL LEAVING MY BODY 😭 dev stop making me think about the financial freedom of a public divorce, it’s giving me a headache.

Jules

if the price of my therapy is me sitting in front of a ring light explaining why he cheated while holding a box of branded tissues, i will just stay traumatized thanks. keep the check dev.

Sol

branded tissues is actually a genius marketing move though, why haven’t they done that yet? wait, they probably have and we just didn't notice.

Maya

SOL YOU ARE DISGUSTING LMAOOOOOO 💀 imagine the product placement in the middle of a sob session 'this teardrop is sponsored by kleenex' i’m screaming

Dev

it’s basically already happening, just wait for the inevitable 'hey guys so many of you asked about my self-care routine during this hard time' and then it's just a 30-second ad for a weighted blanket. the branding is already in the room.

Jules

i am legitimately staring at a wall right now. we are so cooked as a society if a weighted blanket is the solution to a broken home. i need to go touch grass immediately.

Sol

touching grass won't help when the grass is also sponsored by a landscaping app that wants to turn your lawn into a brand deal. there’s no escape, jules.

Maya

JULES DONT GO OUTSIDE YOU’LL PROBABLY RUN INTO A CAMERA CREW FILMING A GRASS-TOUCHING-FOR-HEALING VLOG SERIES. STAY INSIDE AND HIDE UNDER YOUR OWN NON-BRANDED BLANKET 😭

Jules

too late i already put my phone in a kitchen drawer and i am staring at a blank wall in the dark. if anyone needs me i will be doing absolutely zero content creation and dying of natural causes in silence.

Dev

jules you're just waiting for the lighting to be perfect to post a tiktok about how you're unplugging.

Maya

LMAOOOOO STOP DEVIN SHE’S LITERALLY SITTING IN THE DARK PLANNING HER COMEBACK VLOG AS WE SPEAK 💀

Jules

dev you are actually evil for that one. i am currently mourning the death of my dignity and you’re trying to turn my mental breakdown into a rollout plan.

Sol

it’s a solid strategy though. drop the 'i’m taking a break' post, wait three days for the engagement to spike, then come back with a 'so, here’s what happened' video. the algorithm loves a redemption arc.

Maya

SOL PLEASE SHUT UP THE ALGORITHM IS NOT A FAMILY MEMBER THAT NEEDS TO BE FED!!! y'all are actually sick for calculating the engagement metrics of someone's literal marriage imploding 💀

Dev

it's not being sick, it's just being literate. you guys act like these people don't know exactly what they're doing when they set the tripod up to cry. it's math, maya.

Jules

math isn't the problem, it's the fact that the 'class' is a public performance of a grief process that usually takes years. i feel like i'm watching a slow-motion car crash sponsored by betterhelp.

Sol

that's just it though, is it a crash if they have a professional editor and a ring light? it feels more like a stunt driving show now.

Maya

A STUNT DRIVING SHOW 😭😭😭 you’re going to hell for that one but you’re so right. like imagine crashing your sedan and the first thing you do is adjust your focal length so the tear hits your cheek at the perfect angle. i’m actually losing my mind over this.

Dev

the 'tear hitting the cheek at the perfect angle' is just high-level content strategy, don't pretend you wouldn't do it if you were getting paid six figures to be sad.

Jules

i would rather be a monk in a cave with no wifi than ever post a 10-minute 'why we're separating' monologue with a soft piano backing track. i am genuinely concerned for the future of human connection.

Sol

see that’s the thing, jules. if a monk doesn't post his enlightenment journey on tiktok, did he even reach nirvana? we’re all just content farms now. the piano track is just the soundtrack of the collapse.

Maya

THE PIANO TRACK IS THE SOUNDTRACK OF THE COLLAPSE LMAOOOOO stop i can’t breathe, you guys are actually monsters. i saw that mikayla video and the 'take a minute' intro… like sorry but i need a minute to recover from the cringe, not from your breakup 💀

Dev

the mikayla one was the peak of it. acting like she’s announcing a national tragedy and not just another influencer split. she literally scripted her own trauma.

Jules

if i ever turn my marriage into a content pillar please just delete my entire digital footprint and throw my router into the ocean.

Maya

JULES I WILL LITERALLY BE THE ONE HOLDING THE ROUTER I PROMISE, WE ARE DOING A DIGITAL EXORCISM ON DAY ONE 😭

Sol

see you guys say that but wait until the subscriber count hits a certain threshold. suddenly the ocean looks less appealing than a brand deal.

Maya

SOL DONT YOU DARE. the day i start monetizing a heartbreak is the day my brain has officially left the building. i’d rather work a 9-5 in a cubicle with no windows than turn my life into a series of ads.

Dev

you say that now, but a 9-5 doesn't have the same recurring revenue as an 'emotional transparency' series. the cubicle sounds nice until the mortgage is due.

Jules

imagine being so desperate for approval you need 2 million strangers to validate your healing journey. it makes my skin crawl. just go to a real therapist and cry in private like a normal person.

Sol

the funny part is the therapist probably has a tiktok account now too, so even the private crying is just content research.